Josh Billings on Ice, and Other ThingsBillings, Josh
General
Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things
Billings, Josh
American wit and humor
I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew
hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so
ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would
be better than nothing.
Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the
naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.
If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the
long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a
dog, is by the neck.
In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but
in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a
thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu
awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the
long-tailed dog.
That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov
very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew
spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I
may as well split up for yu now as enny time.
Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as
vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov
stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are
et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers
and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will
keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.
They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu
hav a mind to.
Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one
bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched
tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.
Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a
rat's tail.
Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question
beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows
better than that.
Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure
shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.
_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will
merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in
general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants
as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.
I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav
got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi
luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.
In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee
as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a
dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak
prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means
sharp work, on the sly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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