Transcriber's note: Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). LADIES AND GENTLEMEN by IRVIN SHREWSBURY COBB First Published 1927 _To my friend_ G. W. LILLIE _Contents_ PAGE A Lady and a Gentleman 1 The Order of the Bath 28 Two of Everything 67 We of the Old South 99 Killed with Kindness 136 Peace on Earth 161 Three Wise Men of the East Side 202 The Cowboy and the Lady and Her Pa 226 A Close Shave 259 Good Sam 270 How to Choke a Cat without Using Butter 300 _Ladies and Gentlemen_ _Ladies and Gentlemen_ A LADY AND A GENTLEMAN [Decoration] There were the hotel lobbies; they roared and spun like whirlpools with the crowds that were in them. But the streets outside were more like mill-races, and the exits from the railroad stations became flumes down which all morning and all afternoon the living torrents unceasingly had poured. Every main crossing was in a twist of opposing currents. Overhead, on cornices and across window-ledges and against house-fronts and on ropes which passed above the roadway from one building to another, hung buntings and flags and streamers, the prevalent colors being red and white; and also many great goggle-eyed and bewhiskered portraits of dead warriors done on sail-cloth in the best styles of two domestic schools--sign-painting and election-bannering. Numbers of brass bands marched to and fro, playing this, that, and the next appropriate air, but when in doubt playing "Dixie"; and the musicians waded knee-deep through an accumulating wreckage of abandoned consonants--softly dropped _g's_, eliminated _r's_. In short, the United Confederate Veterans were holding their annual reunion, this being the evening of the opening day. For absolute proof that this really was a reunion of his kind, there was visible here and there a veteran. His average age was eighty-three years and some odd months. He was feeble or he was halt or sometimes he was purblind. Only very rarely did he carry his years and his frame straight. He was near to being swept away and drowned in a vast and fragrant sea of gracious, chattering femininity. His daughters and his granddaughters and his nieces and his younger sisters and, very rarely, his wife--they collectively were as ten to one against him. They were the sponsors and the maids of honor and the matrons of honor and the chaperons; they represented such-and-such a camp or such-and-such a state, wearing flowing badges to attest their queenly distinctions; wearing, also, white summery gowns, the most of them, with touches of red. But the older women nearly always were in black.