Her eyes first seek, then follow the direction of his, to see which
chair he means; and by the time she sits down obediently in it, they
both know--will know to the end of their lives--what each looks like.
He has been a strong man, will be a strong man again, thank God!
Why should she thank God for it? She flashes herself the inward
question, with an already catching breath. Large-framed, and as he lies
on his back in bed he looks prodigiously long, far longer than he really
is; and, thanks to the falling-in of his cheeks, his eyes, which in
their normal state must be of no greater size than they ought to be--and
saucer-eyes are no beauty in a man--oppress her with the large
intentness of their gaze. In their depths she seems to read an
acquaintance with death that has yet not flinched from him; but she
knows that it is not death which is looking out at her from them.
“Thank you for coming.”
“I liked to come.” She is sitting perfectly quiet; instinct and
experience combining to tell her how many sick-beds have cursed the
rustling gown, the meddling fingers, and the lugubriously watching eye.
Her repose seems to enter like balm into his soul.
“You have been used to nursing?” he asks, though it sounds more like an
assertion than a question.
“Sometimes, when they have been ill, I have nursed”--“my men,” she is
going to say; but checks herself: to a perfect stranger she must not
employ her silly home-phrases--“I have nursed my uncle several times,
and Rupert twice, and--Bill once.” Her voice drops at framing the name
which forms the one sad link between them; and she has time to reproach
herself for having had the maladroitness and bad taste to introduce it
before Binning speaks again.
“Thank you for mentioning him to me,” he says, physical weakness making
him less master of his emotion than she divines that he would normally
be. “I was afraid that you would not be able to bear it.”
A panic of remorse at having done exactly what his improvised nurse had
forbidden her to do, and at once introduced a painful and agitating
theme, chokes for an imperceptible moment Lavinia’s answer. It is only
the reflection that, as a golden rule, whatever Féodorovna says or bids
is sure to have common sense and right as its exact opposite, calms her,
and gives her the power of steady and reassuring response.
“We always talk of him.”
“But to _me_?” he says, struggling in his agitation into what her
nurse-instinct tells her to be a forbidden effort to sit up.
At once her noiseless gown and her noble still figure are beside him.
“You must not get excited!” she says, laying a capable cool hand on his
gaunt shoulder; and at once he lies back, with a sudden sense of intense
well-being.
“I felt that you must all hate me,” he says in almost a whisper; and she
answers slow and stilly--
“I do not think we do.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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