It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak." During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace. HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings") NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav. She holds the pattent. Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz, than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller. This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn. This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade; and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool themselves and other folks with the suds. Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble. Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat. When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them. Aristokrasy kant be transmitted--natur sez so--in the papers. Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating aristokrasy. Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are. I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in enny market, over 87-1/2 cents. This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog. Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and that iz virtew. She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew make it lively. She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur. I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat--bloated with virtew. Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny. Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same disseaze, but it takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits. Aristokrasy, like of the other bred stuffs, haz riz. It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes, than it did in the daze ov Abraham. Virtew don't vary. Virtew is the standard ov values. Clothes ain't. Titles ain't. A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat. Diogoneze waz an aristokrat. His brown-stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that.