Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
General
Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II
American wit and humor
His age was about seven. He looked older, from the venerable whiteness
of his head, and it was impossible to conjecture his size, as he always
wore clothes apparently belonging to some shapely youth of nineteen.
A pair of pantaloons that, when sustained by a single suspender,
completely equipped him, formed his every-day suit. How, with this
lavish superfluity of clothing, he managed to perform the surprising
gymnastic feats it had been my privilege to witness, I have never been
able to tell. His "turning the crab," and other minor dislocations,
were always attended with success. It was not an unusual sight at any
hour of the day to find Melons suspended on a line, or to see his
venerable head appearing above the roofs of the outhouses. Melons knew
the exact height of every fence in the vicinity, its facilities for
scaling, and the possibility of seizure on the other side. His more
peaceful and quieter amusements consisted in dragging a disused boiler
by a large string, with hideous outcries, to imaginary fires.
Melons was not gregarious in his habits. A few youth of his own age
sometimes called upon him, but they eventually became abusive, and
their visits were more strictly predatory incursions for old bottles
and junk which formed the staple of McGinnis's Court. Overcome by
loneliness one day, Melons inveigled a blind harper into the court.
For two hours did that wretched man prosecute his unhallowed calling,
unrecompensed, and going round and round the court, apparently under
the impression that it was some other place, while Melons surveyed him
from an adjoining fence with calm satisfaction. It was this absence
of conscientious motive that brought Melons into disrepute with his
aristocratic neighbors. Orders were issued that no child of wealthy
and pious parentage should play with him. This mandate, as a matter
of course, invested Melons with a fascinating interest to them.
Admiring glances were cast at Melons from nursery windows. Baby fingers
beckoned to him. Invitations to tea (on wood and pewter) were lisped
to him from aristocratic back-yards. It was evident he was looked upon
as a pure and noble being, untrammeled by the conventionalities of
parentage, and physically as well as mentally exalted above them. One
afternoon an unusual commotion prevailed in the vicinity of McGinnis's
Court. Looking from my window I saw Melons perched on the roof of a
stable, pulling up a rope by which one "Tommy," an infant scion of an
adjacent and wealthy house, was suspended in midair. In vain the female
relatives of Tommy congregated in the back-yard expostulated with
Melons; in vain the unhappy father shook his fist at him. Secure in
his position, Melons redoubled his exertions and at last landed Tommy
on the roof. Then it was that the humiliating fact was disclosed that
Tommy had been acting in collusion with Melons. He grinned delightedly
back at his parents, as if "by merit raised to that bad eminence." Long
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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