Bellair wasn’t greedy, nor caught in any great desire for wealth. He
had fallen into the Down town Stream, but did not belong. Every month
had weakened him. He disliked to lose his beginnings toward competence;
all the subtle pressures of Lot & Company worked upon him not to
change. There was no other way open. He had been touched by the fear
of fear--a sort of poorhouse horror that dogs men up into the millions
and down to the grave. In a way, he had become slave to the Job. He
even had the suspicion that more men maim their souls by sticking to
their jobs than by any dissipation. This is the way to the fear of
fear--the insane undertow of modern materialism.
He had tried to find peace outside his work in music and different
philanthropies, but the people he met, their seriousness, perhaps more
than anything else, and the vanity of their intellectualism, aroused
his sense of humour. Bellair believed in the many, but was losing
belief in himself. Often he had turned back to evenings in the room,
and realised that the days were draining him too much for his own
real expression of any kind. Always he felt that Lot & Company was
too strong for his temper, that his edge was dulled in every contact.
From his depressions, he saw ahead only two ways--a life of this, or a
moment in which he had Lot & Company in his power unequivocably. The
last was poisonous, and he knew it. He would have to fall considerably
to profit by this sort of thing, but the inevitable conclusion of the
whole matter, was that the life with Lot & Company was slowly but
surely _getting him down_.
On Tuesday noon, Mr. Seth asked him to take to lunch a certain young
stationer from Philadelphia, named Filbrick. They were made acquainted
in the corridor. Passing out, Bellair and his companion met the smile
of Mr. Sproxley. Bellair began the formula of the cashier’s absolute
and autocratic integrity. He did not really hear himself, until he
reached this part:
“I happen to be in the financial department. Two or three times each
year, the whole office is thrown into a mess over some little strayed
account----”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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