I think M’Kay’s treatment of her wholly wrong. I think that he ought not
to have imposed himself upon her so imperiously. I think he ought to
have striven to ascertain what lay concealed in that modest heart, to
have encouraged its expression and development, to have debased himself
before her that she might receive courage to rise, and he would have
found that she had something which he had not; not _his_ something
perhaps, but something which would have made his life happier. As it
was, he stood upon his own ground above her. If she could reach him,
well and good, if not, the helping hand was not proffered, and she fell
back, hopeless. Later on he discovered his mistake. She became ill very
gradually, and M’Kay began to see in the distance a prospect of losing
her. A frightful pit came in view. He became aware that he could not do
without her. He imagined what his home would have been with other women
whom he knew, and he confessed that with them he would have been less
contented. He acknowledged that he had been guilty of a kind of criminal
epicurism; that he rejected in foolish, fatal, nay, even wicked
indifference, the bread of life upon which he might have lived and
thriven. His whole effort now was to suppress himself in his wife. He
read to her, a thing he never did before, and when she misunderstood, he
patiently explained; he took her into his counsels and asked her opinion;
he abandoned his own opinion for hers, and in the presence of her
children he always deferred to her, and delighted to acknowledge that she
knew more than he did, that she was right and he was wrong. She was now
confined to her house, and the end was near, but this was the most
blessed time of her married life. She grew under the soft rain of his
loving care, and opened out, not, indeed, into an oriental flower, rich
in profound mystery of scent and colour, but into a blossom of the
chalk-down. Altogether concealed and closed she would have remained if
it had not been for this beneficent and heavenly gift poured upon her.
He had just time enough to see what she really was, and then she died.
There are some natures that cannot unfold under pressure or in the
presence of unregarding power. Hers was one. They require a clear space
round them, the removal of everything which may overmaster them, and
constant delicate attention. They require too a recognition of the fact,
which M’Kay for a long time did not recognise, that it is folly to force
them and to demand of them that they shall be what they cannot be. I
stood by the grave this morning of my poor, pale, clinging little friend
now for some years at peace, and I thought that the tragedy of Promethean
torture or Christ-like crucifixion may indeed be tremendous, but there is
a tragedy too in the existence of a soul like hers, conscious of its
feebleness and ever striving to overpass it, ever aware that it is an
obstacle to the return of the affection of the man whom she loves.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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