Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
He had just finished his second non-stop draught when something
attracted his notice out of the corner of his eye, and he saw that in
the window beside him were framed a head and shoulders.
"Hoy!" observed the head in a voice like a lorry full of steel girders
passing over cobblestones. "I've brought you a cuppertea."
II
The head was red in colour and ornamented half-way down by a large and
impressive moustache, waxed at the ends. The shoulders were broad and
square, the eyes prawn-like. The whole apparition, in short, one could
tell at a glance, was a sample or first instalment of the person of
a sergeant-major. And unless he had dropped from heaven--which, from
John's knowledge of sergeant-majors, seemed unlikely--the newcomer
must be standing on top of a ladder.
And such, indeed, was the case. Sergeant-Major Flannery, though no
acrobat, had nobly risked life and limb by climbing to this upper
window to see how his charge was getting on and to bring him a little
refreshment.
"Take your cuppertea, young fellow," said Mr. Flannery.
The hospitality had arrived too late. In the matter of tea-drinking
John was handicapped by the fact that he had just swallowed
approximately a third of a jug of water. He regretted to be compelled
to reject the contribution for lack of space. But as what he desired
most at the moment was human society and conversation, he advanced
eagerly to the window.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Flannery's my name, young fellow."
"How did I get here?"
"In that room?"
"Yes."
"I put you there."
"You did, did you?" said John. "Open this door at once, damn you!"
The Sergeant-Major shook his head.
"Language!" he said reprovingly. "Profanity won't do you no good, young
man. Cursing and swearing won't 'elp you. You just drink your cuppertea
and don't let's have no nonsense. If you'd made a 'abit in the past of
drinking more tea and less of the other thing, you wouldn't be in what
I may call your present predicament."
"Will you open this door?"
"No, sir. I will not open that door. There aren't going to be no doors
opened till your conduct and behaviour has been carefully examined in
the course of a day or so and we can be sure there'll be no verlence."
"Listen," said John, curbing a desire to jab at this man through the
bars with the teaspoon. "I don't know who you are...."
"Flannery's the name, sir, as I said before. Sergeant-Major Flannery."
"... but I can't believe you're in this business...."
"Indeed I am, sir. I am Doctor Twist's assistant."
"But this man is a criminal, you fool...."
Sergeant-Major Flannery seemed pained rather than annoyed.
"Come, come, sir. A little civility, if you please. This, what I may
call contumacious attitude, isn't helping you. Surely you can see that
for yourself? Always remember, sir, the voice with the smile wins."
"This fellow Twist burgled our house last night. And all the while
you're keeping me shut up here he's getting away."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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