Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"Is that so, sir? What house would that be?"
"Rudge Hall."
"Never heard of it."
"It's near Rudge-in-the-Vale. Twenty miles from here. Mr. Carmody's
place."
"Mr. Lester Carmody who was here taking the cure?"
"Yes. I'm his nephew."
"His nephew, eh?"
"Yes."
"Come, come!"
"What do you mean?"
"It so 'appens," said Mr. Flannery, with quiet satisfaction, removing
one hand from the window bars in order to fondle his moustache, "that
I've seen Mr. Carmody's nephew. Tallish, thinnish, pleasant-faced young
fellow. He was over here to visit Mr. Carmody during the latter's
temp'ry residence. I had him pointed out to me."
Painful though the process was, John felt compelled to grit his teeth.
"That was Mr. Carmody's other nephew."
"Other nephew, eh?"
"My cousin."
"Your cousin, eh?"
"His name's Hugo."
"Hugo, eh?"
"Good God!" cried John. "Are you a parrot?"
Mr. Flannery, if he had not been standing on a ladder, would no doubt
have drawn himself up haughtily at this outburst. Being none too
certain of his footing, he contented himself with looking offended.
"No, sir," he said with a dignity which became him well, "in reply to
your question, I am not a parrot. I am a salaried assistant at Doctor
Twist's health-establishment, detailed to look after the patients and
keep them away from the cigarettes and see that they do their exercises
in a proper manner. And, as I said to the young lady, I understand
human nature and am a match for artfulness of any description. What's
more, it was precisely this kind of artfulness on your part that
the young lady warned me against. 'Be careful, Sergeant-Major,' she
said to me, clasping her 'ands in what I may call an agony of appeal,
'that this poor, misguided young son of a what-not don't come it over
you with his talk about being the Lost Heir of some family living in
the near neighbourhood. Because he's sure to try it on, you can take
it from me, Sergeant-Major,' she said. And I said to the young lady,
'Miss,' I said, 'he won't come it over Egbert Flannery. Not him. I've
seen too much of that sort of thing, miss,' I said. And the young lady
said, 'Gawd's strewth, Sergeant-Major,' she said, 'I wish there was
more men in the world like you, Sergeant-Major, because then it would
be a dam' sight better place than it is, Sergeant-Major.'" He paused.
Then, realizing an omission, added the words, "she said."
John clutched at his throbbing head.
"Young lady? What young lady?"
"You know well enough what young lady, sir. The young lady what brought
you here to leave you in our charge. That young lady."
"That young lady?"
"Yes, sir. The one who brought you here."
"Brought me here?"
"And left you in our charge."
"Left me in your charge?"
"Come, come, sir!" said Mr. Flannery. "Are you a parrot?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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