Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
The progress of Mr. Molloy across the threshold of Chimp Twist's study
bore a striking resemblance to that of some spent runner breasting
the tape at the conclusion of a more than usually gruelling Marathon
race. His hair was disordered, his face streaked with dust and heat,
and his legs acted so independently of his body that they gave him an
odd appearance of moving in several directions at once. An unbiassed
observer, seeing him, could not but have felt a pang of pity for this
wreck of what had once, apparently, been a fine, upstanding man.
Chimp was not an unbiassed observer. He did not pity his old business
partner. Judging from a first glance, Soapy Molloy seemed to him to
have been caught in some sort of machinery, and subsequently run over
by several motor lorries, and Chimp was glad of it. He would have liked
to seek out the man in charge of that machinery and the drivers of
those lorries, and reward them handsomely.
"So here you are!" he said.
Mr. Molloy, navigating cautiously, backed and filled in the direction
of the armchair. Reaching it after considerable difficulty, he
gripped its sides and lowered himself with infinite weariness. A sharp
exclamation escaped him as he touched the cushions. Then, sinking back,
he closed his eyes and immediately went to sleep.
Chimp gazed down at him, seething with resentment that made his head
ache worse than ever. That Soapy should have had the cold, callous
crust to come to Healthward Ho at all after what had happened was
sufficiently infuriating. That, having come, he should proceed without
a word of explanation or apology to treat the study as a bedroom was
more than Chimp could endure. Stooping down, he gripped his old friend
by his luxuriant hair and waggled his head smartly from side to side
several times. The treatment proved effective. Soapy sat up.
"Eh?" he said, blinking.
"What do you mean, eh?"
"Which...? Why...? Where am I?"
"I'll tell you where you are."
"Oh!" said Mr. Molloy, intelligence returning.
He sank back among the cushions again. Now that the first agony of
contact was over he was finding their softness delightful. In the
matter of seats, a man who has ridden twenty miles on an elderly
push-bicycle becomes an exacting critic.
"Gee! I feel bad!" he murmured.
It was a natural remark, perhaps, for a man in his condition to make,
but it had the effect of adding several degrees Fahrenheit to his
companion's already impressive warmth. For some moments Chimp Twist,
wrestling with his emotion, could find no form of self-expression
beyond a curious spluttering noise.
"Yes, sir," proceeded Mr. Molloy, "I feel bad. All the way over here on
a bicycle, Chimpie, that's where I've been. It's in the calf of the leg
that it gets me principally. There and around the instep. And I wish I
had a dollar for every bruise those darned pedals have made on me."
"And what about me?" demanded Chimp, at last ceasing to splutter.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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