Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"Yes, sir," said Mr. Molloy, wistfully, "I certainly wish someone would
come along and offer me even as much as fifty cents for every bruise
I've gotten from the ankles upwards. They've come out on me like a rash
or something."
"If you had my headache...."
"Yes, I've a headache, too," said Mr. Molloy. "It was the hot sun
beating down on my neck that did it. There were times when I thought
really I'd have to pass the thing up. Say, if you knew what I feel
like...."
"And how about what I feel like?" shrilled Mr. Twist, quivering with
self-pity. "A nice thing that was that wife of yours did to me! A fine
trick to play on a business partner! Slipping stuff into my highball
that laid me out cold. Is that any way to behave? Is that a system?"
Mr. Molloy considered the point.
"The madam is a mite impulsive," he admitted.
"And leaving me laying there and putting a lily in my hand!"
"That was her playfulness," explained Mr. Molloy. "Girls will have
their bit of fun."
"Fun! Say...."
Mr. Molloy felt that it was time to point the moral.
"It was your fault, Chimpie. You brought it on yourself by acting
greedy and trying to get the earth. If you hadn't stood us up for that
sixty-five--thirty-five of yours, all this would never have happened.
Naturally no high-spirited girl like the madam wasn't going to stand
for nothing like that. But listen while I tell you what I've come
about. If you're willing to can all that stuff and have a fresh deal
and a square one this time--one-third to me, one-third to you, and
one-third to the madam--I'll put you hep to something that'll make you
feel good. Yes, sir, you'll go singing about the house."
"The only thing you could tell me that would make me feel good,"
replied Chimp, churlishly, "would be that you'd tumbled off of that
bicycle of yours and broken your damned neck."
Mr. Molloy was pained.
"Is that nice, Chimpie?"
Mr. Twist wished to know if, in the circumstances and after what had
occurred, Mr. Molloy expected him to kiss him. Mr. Molloy said No, but
where was the sense of harsh words? Where did harsh words get anybody?
When had harsh words ever paid any dividend?
"If you had a headache like mine, Chimpie," said Mr. Molloy,
reproachfully, "you'd know how it felt to sit and listen to an old
friend giving you the razz."
Chimp was obliged to struggle for a while with a sudden return of his
spluttering.
"A headache like yours? Where do you get that stuff? My headache's a
darned sight worse than your headache."
"It couldn't be, Chimpie."
"If you want to know what a headache really is, you take some of those
kayo drops you're so fond of."
"Well, putting that on one side," said Mr. Molloy, wisely forbearing to
argue, "let me tell you what I've come here about. Chimpie, that guy
Carmody has double-crossed us. He was on to us from the start."
"What!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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