Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
And, curiously enough, at this very moment up at the Hall the same
experience was happening to Mr. Lester Carmody. Staring out of his
study window, he gazed upon a world bathed in a golden glow: but his
heart was cold and heavy. He had just had a visit from the Rev.
Alistair Pond-Pond, and the Reverend Alistair had touched him for five
shillings.
Many men in Mr. Carmody's place would have considered that they had got
off lightly. The vicar had come seeking subscriptions to the Church
Organ Fund, the Mothers' Pleasant Sunday Evenings, the Distressed
Cottagers' Aid Society, the Stipend of the Additional Curate and
the Rudge Lads' Annual Summer Outing, and there had been moments of
mad optimism when he had hoped for as much as a ten-pound note. The
actual bag, as he totted it up while riding pensively away on his
motor-bicycle, was the above-mentioned five shillings and a promise
that the squire's nephew Hugo and his friend Mr. Fish should perform at
the village concert next week.
And even so, Mr. Carmody was looking on him as a robber. Five shillings
had gone--just like that--and every moment now he was expecting his
nephew John to walk in and increase his expenditure. For just after
breakfast John had asked if he could have a word with him later on in
the morning, and Mr. Carmody knew what that meant.
John ran the Hall's dairy farm, and he was always coming to Mr.
Carmody for money to buy exotic machinery which could not, the latter
considered, be really necessary. To Mr. Carmody a dairy farm was a
straight issue between man and cow. You backed the cow up against a
wall, secured its milk, and there you were. John always seemed to want
to make the thing so complicated and difficult, and only the fact that
he also made it pay induced his uncle ever to accede to his monstrous
demands.
Nor was this all that was poisoning a perfect summer day for Mr.
Carmody. There was in addition the soul-searing behaviour of Doctor
Alexander Twist, of Healthward Ho.
When Doctor Twist had undertaken the contract of making a new Lester
Carmody out of the old Lester Carmody, he had cannily stipulated for
cash down in advance--this to cover a course of three weeks. But at the
end of the second week Mr. Carmody, learning from his nephew Hugo that
an American millionaire was arriving at the Hall, had naturally felt
compelled to forego the final stages of the treatment and return home.
Equally naturally, he had invited Doctor Twist to refund one-third
of the fee. This the eminent physician and physical culture expert
had resolutely declined to do, and Mr. Carmody, re-reading the man's
letter, thought he had never set eyes upon a baser document.
He was shuddering at the depths of depravity which it revealed, when
the door opened and John came in. Mr. Carmody beheld him and shuddered.
John--he could tell it by his eye--was planning another bad dent in the
budget.
"Oh, Uncle Lester," said John.
"Well?" said Mr. Carmody hopelessly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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