Mr. Pim Passes By: A Comedy in Three ActsMilne, A. A. (Alan Alexander)
General
Mr. Pim Passes By: A Comedy in Three Acts
Milne, A. A. (Alan Alexander)
English drama -- 20th century
OLIVIA. You can take Mr. Pim as far as the gate.
PIM (_gratefully to_ OLIVIA). Thank you. (_With nervous look
at staircase R., he edges towards the windows._) If you would
be so kind, Miss Dinah--.
DINAH (_taking his arm_). Come along then, Mr. Pim.
BRIAN. I'll catch you up.
DINAH (_taking him up L._). I want to hear all about your first wife.
PIM. Oh, but I haven't got a first wife.
DINAH. You haven't really told me anything yet.
(_They go off up L._)
BRIAN. I'll catch you up.
(OLIVIA _resumes her work, and_ BRIAN _crosses down to foot of
table L.C., and sits on it._)
BRIAN (_awkwardly_). I just wanted to say, if you don't think it cheek,
that I'm--I'm on your side, if I may be and if I can help you at all,
I shall be very proud of being allowed to.
OLIVIA (_looking up at him and taking his hand_). Brian, you dear,
that's sweet of you. But it's quite all right now, you know.
BRIAN. What?
OLIVIA. Yes, that's what Mr. Pim came back to say. He'd made a
mistake about the name--
BRIAN (_rising_). Good Lord!
OLIVIA (_smiling_). George is the only husband I have.
BRIAN (_surprised_). What? You mean that the whole thing that Pim--
OLIVIA (_repeating_). The whole thing.
BRIAN (_crossing up to window R. and shouting off to L. and
with conviction_). Silly ass!
OLIVIA (_kindly_). Oh, no, no, I'm sure he didn't mean to be. (_After a
pause_.) Brian, do you know anything about the law?
BRIAN (_coming down_ C.). The law? I'm afraid not. I hate the law. Why?
(_Sits at foot of table_ L.C.)
OLIVIA. Well, I was just wondering. Suppose that George and I had
accidentally married each other a second time thinking that the first
marriage wasn't quite right, and then we found the first marriage was all
right--well----
BRIAN. What on earth do you mean?
OLIVIA. Well, what I mean is that there's nothing wrong in marrying the
same person twice?
BRIAN (_rising and moving to centre, thinking it out_). Oh, no. A hundred
times if you like, I should think.
OLIVIA. Oh!
BRIAN. After all, in France they always go through it twice, don't they?
Once before the Mayor or somebody, and once in church.
OLIVIA. Of course they do! How silly of me. You know, that's a very good
idea. They ought to do that more in England.
BRIAN. Well, once will be enough for Dinah and me, if you can work it.
(_Anxiously_.) D'you think there's any chance, Olivia?
OLIVIA (_smiling_). Every chance, dear.
BRIAN (_coming to above table_ L.C.). I say, do you really? Have you
squared him? I mean has he----
(GEORGE _is heard humming the tune of "Pop goes the weasel" off_ R.)
OLIVIA. You go and catch them up now. We'll talk about it later on.
BRIAN. Bless you. Right-o!
(_Going up_ L. _and off up_ L.)
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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