'Tis the voice of the prompter, I hear him quite plain; He has prompted me twice, Let him prompt me again. * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: A suggestion to the refreshment departments of our theatres, much simpler than the old method of struggling by, and would prevent the men going out between the acts.] [Illustration: First night of musical comedy. The authors called before the curtain.] [Illustration: _Jones (arriving in the middle of the overture to "Tristan und Isolde"--quite audibly)._ "Well, thank goodness we're in _plenty of time!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE STALLS Time past--Crinoline era] * * * * * APPROPRIATE SHAKESPEARIAN MOTTO FOR A FIRM OF ADVERTISING AGENTS.--"Posters of the sea and land." * * * * * QUID PRO QUO.--_Actor-Manager (to Dramatic Author)._ What I want is a one-part piece. _Dramatic Author._ That's very easily arranged. You be number one, and "part" to me. * * * * * [Illustration: IN THE STALLS Time present--Fan development] * * * * * _Araminta._ Why, dearest, do you call those witticisms, which the comedians deliver with such ready humour, "gags"? _Corydon (the playwright)._ Because they always stifle the author. [_Smiles no more during the evening._ * * * * * THE MUMMER'S BÊTE-NOIRE.--"_Benefits_ forgot." * * * * * [Illustration: MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES _Sangazur, Senior._ "Look here, what's all this nonsense I hear about your wanting to marry an actress?" _Sangazur, Junior._ "It's quite true, sir. But--er--you can have no conception how _very poorly_ she acts!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A STUDIED INSULT.--_Box-Office Keeper at the Imperial Music-Hall (to Farmer Murphy, who is in town for the Islington Horse Show)._ "Box or two stalls, sir?" _Murphy._ "What the dev'l d'ye mane? D'ye take me an' the missus for a pair o' proize 'osses? Oi'll have two sates in the dhress circle, and let 'em be as dhressy as possible, moind!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THE SLEEPING BEAUTY."--"Nervous? oh dear no! I only acted _once_ in private theatricals, Mr. Jones, and, although it was an important part, I had nothing to say!" "Really? What _was_ the part?" "_Can't you guess?_"] * * * * * [Illustration: COLLABORATEURS.--Jennings and Bellamy, the famous dramatists, planning one of those thrilling plays of plot and passion, in which (as everybody knows) Jennings provides the inimitable broad humour, and Bellamy the love-scenes and the tragic deaths. (Bellamy is the shorter of the two.)] * * * * * WHY I DON'T WRITE PLAYS (_From the Common-place Book of a Novelist_)