_Of the Divers Sorts of Dramatic Writing._--Owing to the competition nowadays of the variety entertainment you will do well to treat these as practically amalgamated. For example, start Act I. with an entirely farcical and impossible marriage, consequent upon a mistake similar to that of "Mr. Pickwick" about the exact locality of his room; drop into poetry and pathos in Act II. (waltz-music "off" throughout will show that it _is_ poetry and pathos); introduce for the first time in Act III. a melodramatic villain, who endeavours to elope with the heroine (already married, as above, and preternaturally conscious of it), and wind-up Act IV. with a skirt dance and a general display of high spirits, with which the audience, seeing that the conclusion is at hand, will probably sympathise. Another mixture, very popular with serious people, may be manufactured by raising the curtain to a hymn tune upon a number of obviously early Christians, and, after thus edifying your audience, cheering them up again with glimpses of attractive young ladies dressed (to a moderate extent) as pagans, and continually in fits of laughter. The performance of this kind of composition is usually accompanied by earthquakes, thunder and lightning; but the stage carpenter will attend to these. _Of Humour._--Much may be accomplished in this line by giving your characters names that are easily punned upon. Do not forget, however, that even higher flights of wit than you can attain by this means will be surpassed by the simple expedient of withdrawing a chair from behind a gentleman about to sit down upon it. And this only requires a stage-direction. _Of Dialogue._--Speeches of more than half a page, though useful for clearing up obscurities, are generally deficient in the qualities of repartee. After exclaiming, "Oh, I am slain!" or words to that effect, no character should be given a soliloquy taking more than five minutes in recitation. _Of the Censorship._--This need not be feared unless you are unduly serious. Lady Godiva, for instance, will be all right for a ball where the dress is left to the fancy, but you must not envelop her in problems. * * * * * MOTTO FOR THE STAGE-WORSHIPPERS.--"Mummer's the word!" [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE OF HER OPINION _Gushing Young Woman (to famous actor)._ "Oh, do you know, Mr. Starleigh, I'm simply _mad_ to go on the stage!" _Famous Actor._ "Yes, I should think you _would_ be, my dear young lady!"] * * * * * THE DECLINE OF THE DRAMA Mundungus deems the drama is declining, Yet fain would swell the crowded playwright ranks. The secret of his pessimist opining, Is--all _his_ dramas _are_ declined--with thanks! * * * * * CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS NURSERY RHYMES (_For Use of Infant Students in New School of Dramatic Art_)