_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!" _Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so sleepy!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE" _Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his neighbour_). "Only a middling house." _Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing--it keeps out the riff-raff!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE DRAMA.--_Æsthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the _dénoûment_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----" _Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_). "Um--'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The principal characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: LA COMEDIE FRANÇAISE _Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--"'Le Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should like to know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't it?" _Lady Godiva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances. They're so risky, you know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)] * * * * * [Illustration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY" "Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!" "A--no--I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French plays!" "Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?" "A--I beg your pardon?" "Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?" "A--quite so! No doubt! A--by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"]