You will have to put up with real bachelor accommodation, I am afraid, as the house is crammed. The best I can do for you is a half share of one of the attics. Our cook has left us, all unexpectedly, so this places her room at our disposal for two of you. The kitchen-maid is doing her best to keep us from starving; but, though she means well, I can hardly class her as a _cordon bleu_. Louise Dearlove, that pretty little girl you were so sweet upon last season, is unable to come; but her brother--the red-headed youth who was always trying to pick a quarrel with you--will be here. I am so short of horses that I fear I must ask you to cab the four miles up from the station; but I am sure you won’t mind taking the rough with the smooth. Yours ever, JOHN JOSTLER. As the recipient of the above invitation, I ask which is “the smooth”? * * * * * [Illustration: WHAT THE DANCING MAN HAS COME TO “Not dancing any more to-night, Fred?” “No; and, what’s more, I’ll never put my foot in this house again! Why, I’ve been _introduced three times_!”] * * * * * [Illustration: THE TERRORS OF SOCIAL LIFE _Stout Lady (at a charity ball)._ “Excuse me, Lady Godolphin, but I _should_ so like to make some notes of your charming costume--may I?” _Lady Godolphin._ “Pardon me, but really I’m afraid I haven’t the pleasure of----” _Stout Lady._ “Oh, I’m _sure_ you won’t mind: I’m ‘Girlie,’ you know--I do the fashion article for _Classy Bits_!”] * * * * * [Illustration: _Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat)._ “Allow me, sir.” _Stout Party._ “No, don’t trouble! This is the only exercise I ever take!”] * * * * * [Illustration: ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE!! _Future Duke._ “What are you goin’ to do this mornin’ eh?” _Future Earl._ “Oh, I dunno. Rot about, I s’pose, as usual.” _Future Duke._ “Oh, but I say, that’s so rotten.” _Future Earl._ “Well, what else is there to do, you rotter?”] * * * * * THE “BOOK TEA” Scene--_The Drawing-rooms of No. 1 and No. 2, Upperten Mansions, S.W._ _First Lady (entering)._ Here I am! I am sure you won’t guess who I am. See, the American Banner and the Union Jack. I represent “Under Two Flags.” _First Hostess._ Oh, how clever! But we shall have Mr. Smith here presently, and he is sure to come in something quite new. _Second Lady (entering)._ Here I am. Now you will never know what book I represent. Stars and stripes on one shoulder, the white ensign on the other! “Under Two Flags.” Eh? _First Hostess._ Wonderful! We shall have Mr. Smith here by and by. He is sure to amuse us. _Third Lady (entering)._ I promised to come and here I am. The Star Spangled Banner and our own Royal Standard. “Under Two Flags.” There, isn’t it good?