_First Hostess._ Quite too good! So pleased you have come. We are waiting for Mr. Smith. He’s sure to make us all laugh, as he’s _so_ original! _Fourth Lady._ Up to my time! And I have come as a well-known book. See, a dear little American banner on one side of my head, and a weeny, weeny Union Jack on the other. “Under Two Flags.” I thought I would surprise you! _First Hostess._ I knew you would. Mr. Smith is coming! He’s sure to be funny. _Mr. Smith (entering)._ Now you must guess. I won’t take off my cloak until I have shown you these two dolls. Here they are, soldiers of the time of Louis XIV. And now you shall see me. (_Throws off his cloak and appears in gorgeous costume._) I represent, with the help of my companions, “The Three Musketeers.” _Second Hostess (rigidly)._ I think there is some mistake. This is a meeting of the Distressed Charwomen’s Food Fund Association. I think you must have wanted to attend my neighbour next door’s Book Tea. _Mr. Smith (hastily resuming his cloak)._ Oh, I beg your pardon. [_Exit in confusion._ * * * * * [Illustration: DISADVANTAGE OF RESEMBLING A CELEBRITY _She._ “Oh, _how_ do you do, dear Mr. Lyon. _Have_ you forgiven me for cutting you at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night? I was actually stupid enough to take you for that horrid bore, Mr. Tetterby Thompson, whom you’re said to be so like. It’s a horrid libel--you’re not like him a bit.” _He._ “A--a--I _wasn’t_ at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night--a--a--a--and my name _is_ Tetterby Thompson!”] * * * * * [Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN--IF POSSIBLE _Digby._ “I had hoped for the pleasure of taking you down to supper, Mrs. Masham!” _Rigby._ “Too late, my dear fellow! It’s the _early_ bird that catches the worm!”] * * * * * [Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN--IF POSSIBLE _Mr. Marsh._ “I’ve just had quite a long chat with your three charming little girls, Mrs. Roope.” _Mrs. Roope._ “Not mine, Mr. Marsh. I have no children.” _Mr. Marsh_ (_very surprised_). “No chil---- Are you sure?”] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID I [_See page 19_] THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID I _Enter Mr. Chesterfield Grandison Potts._ “How d’ye do, my dear Mrs. Pettifer? I’ve come to congratulate you on your performance of the _Lady of Lyons_, at Mrs. Tomkyns’s. It was simply _perfect!_” _Distinguished Lady Amateur._ “Oh, far from perfect, I fear! To be _perfect_, alas! the part of _Pauline_ requires that one should be _young_ and _lovely_, you know!” _Mr. C. G. Potts_ (_who piques himself on his old-fashioned courtesy_). “My _dear_ lady, you are a _living proof to the contrary!_” * * * * * II