_Basta! per Bacco!_ I'll no longer straddle (With cramp in each adductor and extensor) This seat of torture that they call a saddle! _Va via!_ in plain English, get thee hence, or---- On second thoughts, to leave unsaid the rest, I think, were best! [Illustration: "ASTONISHING THE NATIVES" _First Alpine Tourist._ "I say, Will, are you asleep?" _Second Tourist._ "Asleep? No, I should think not! Hang it, how they bite!" _First Tourist._ "Try my dodge. Light your pipe, and blow a cloud under the clothes! They let go directly. There's a lot perched on the foot-bar of my bed now--coughing like mad!"] [Illustration: _Tommy_ (_who has just begun learning French, on his first visit to Boulogne_). "I say, daddy, did you call that man 'garçon'?" _Daddy_ (_with pride_). "Yes, my boy." _Tommy_ (_after reflection_). "I say, daddy, what a big _garçon_ he'll be when he's out of jackets and turn-downs, and gets into tails and stick-ups!"] [Illustration: (_You may speak to anyone in France, even to a bold gendarme--if you are only decently polite_) "I implore your pardon for having deranged you, mister the gendarme, but _might_ I dare to ask you to have the goodness to do me the honour to indicate to me the way for to render myself to the Street of the Cross of the Little-Fields?"] _IN RE_ THE RIGI From a recent letter in the _Times_ it would seem that tourists visiting the hotels on the Rigi have to secure entertainment at the point (or rather the knuckle) of the fist. If the fashion is permitted to become chronic (by the patient endurance of the British public), the diary kept by the visitor to the Rigi is likely to appear in the following form:-- _Tuesday_, 4 A.M.--Just seen the sun rise. Rather cloudy in the valley, but on the whole magnificent. Will stay until to-morrow, as I am sure the air is excellent. 5 A.M.--Going back to the hotel. The night porter is shouting at me. 8 A.M.--Just finished a three hours' fight with the night porter. He scored "first blood" to my "first knock-down blow." I was able to polish him off in forty-seven rounds, and consequently have an excellent appetite for breakfast. 9 A.M.--After some desperate struggling with half-a-dozen waiters, have secured a cup of coffee and a small plate of cold meat. 12 A.M.--Have been asleep on a bench outside the hotel for the last two hours and a half, recovering from my recent exertions. 1 P.M.--Have fraternised with five English tourists armed with alpenstocks. One of our party has opened negotiations with the hotel-keeper as to the possibility of obtaining some lunch. 2 P.M.--Our ambassador has returned with his coat torn into tatters, and one of his eyes severely bruised. 3 P.M.--By a _coup de main_ we have seized the _salle-à-manger_, and now are feasting merrily on bread and honey. 4 P.M.--Just driven from our vantage-ground by eight boots, ten waiters, the landlord and auxiliaries from the kitchen.