[Illustration: CONSEQUENCES OF THE TOWER OF BABEL SCENE--_A table d'hôte abroad._ _He._ "Parlez-vous Français, mademoiselle?" _She._ "No, sir." _He._ "Sprechen Sie Deutsch, Fraülein?" _She._ "No." _He._ "Habla usted Español, señorita?" _She._ "No." _He._ "Parlate Italiano, signorina?" _She._ "No!" (_Sighs._) [_Pause._] _She._ "Do you speak English, sir?" _He._ "Hélas! non, mademoiselle!" (_Sighs deeply._)] [Illustration: OUR COUNTRYWOMEN IN PARIS (_The extra half-franc_) _Aunt Jemima_ (_blue ribbon_). "There, coshay. This is pour voomaym--sankont sonteems! But it's a _peurmanger_, you know--not a _pour boire!_!"] ENGLISH AS SHE IS WRIT Intending English visitors to Spa, who may wish to become, temporarily, members of the _Cercle des Étrangers_, will be pleased with the following courteous circular:-- "_Casino de Spa, Cercle des Étrangers._ "M.,--In polite replying of your esteemed letter of the ---- I will hasten to send you a statute of the 'Cercle des Étrangers' with a formulary at this annexed. "Please to send us the formulary back, as soon as possible, the formalities for the reception as member wanting two days time. "We dare inform you that only those persons are allowed to go into the drawing-rooms of the Casino, which previously have fulfilled the prescribed formalities of admittance. "With the greatest respects "In order of the directorship of the Casino "THE CHIEF SECRETARY." "_Casino de Spa, Cercle des Étrangers._" "Under-signed, having been acquainted with the statutes of the 'Cercle des Étrangers,' wishes to fulfill the prescribed formalities in order to have inlet and therefore gives following indications:" (_Space for particulars as to name, forename, title, or trade, "spot and datum," with signature, here follows; and so this most interesting document concludes._) * * * QUANTITY NOT QUALITY.--_Brown, senior._ Well, Fred, what did you see during your trip abroad? _Brown, junior._--Aw--'pon m' word, 'don't know what I saw 'xactly, 'only know I did more by three countries, eight towns, and four mountains, than Smith did in the same time! * * * THE LOVE OF NATURE.--_First Chappie._ Lovely place, Monte Carlo, isn't it! Such beautiful scenery! _Second Chappie._ Beautiful!--such splendid air, too! _First Chappie._ Splendid!--a--(_pause_)--let's go into the casino! [_Exeunt to the tables, where they remain for the rest of the day._ [Illustration: SCENE--_Bureau of the Chiefs of the Douanes_ _French Official._ "You have passport?" _English Gent._ "Nong, mossoo." _Official._ "Your name." _Gent._ "Belleville." _Official._ "Christian nom?" _Gent._ "'Arry!" _Official._ "Profession?" _Gent._ "BANKER!"] [Illustration: ON THE RIVIERA _She._ "I wonder what makes the Mediterranean look so blue?" _He._ "You'd look blue if you had to wash the shores of Italy!"] [Illustration: SCENE--_A Café in Paris_ _London Gent._ "Garcong! tas de corfee!"