_Garçon._ "Bien, m'sieu'--Vould you like to see zee _Times?_" _London Gent._ "Hang the feller! Now, I wonder how the doose he found out I was an Englishman!"] [Illustration: THE TIME-HONOURED BRITISH THREAT _Indignant Anglo-Saxon_ (_to provincial French innkeeper, who is bowing his thanks for the final settlement of his exorbitant and much-disputed account_). "Oh, oui, mossoo! pour le matière de ça, je _paye!_ Mais juste vous regardez ici, mon ami! et juste--vous--marquez--mes--_mots!_ Je _paye_--_mais je mette le dans la 'Times!_'"] TONGUES FOR TOURISTS The Long Vacation is drawing to a close, and parents and guardians may like to know how reading tours have aided in advancing the education of their respective scions. Should any doting fathers be interested in the absorption of foreign languages into their sons' systems, the following mems from the diary of a University man, who has just returned from a tour abroad, whither he had gone expressly to perfect himself in European tongues, may be productive of some reflection. _July._ Left Dover for our tour. Met American Colonel X. Y. Zachary at Calais. Glorious brick. Knew French, and talked for us all. Gave us quite a twang, and left us devoted to Yankees. Put up at Grand Hotel. English waiter. Saved us lots of trouble. Went to English tavern. Excellent beefsteak for dinner. Cheese direct from Cheshire. Went to open-air music hall in the Shongs Eliza, what they call a coffee concert. Two English clowns and a man who sang "_Tommy, make Room for your Uncle._" English family on both sides of us. Dropped their H's freely. Met two college chums in the yard of the Grand when we came back. Went out to buy German Dictionary, French Grammar, and Italian Dialogues. Bought a copy of _Punch_ instead--great fun. Started for Italy. Capital guard with the train: knew English thoroughly. Queen's messenger in the carriage; splendid linguist. What's the use of trying to speak a foreign language, if you don't begin in your cradle! Arrived at Turin. Met the Larkspur girls at the station. Went everywhere with them. They are all awfully jolly. Quite gorgeous at slang. Must buy that Italian Grammar and Dialogues. Learnt the Italian for "Yes" to-day. On to Venice. How well our gondolier talks English. Lovely weather for cricket or lawn tennis. Nothing so jolly here. Old bricks, and dirty punts they call gondowlers. _August._