In the evening to the opera. Walk out between the acts, seeing Spaniards also walking out, and enter a café. Order coffee. Waiter brings a huge glass of water, and a cup, filled to the brim with sugar, on which the _verseur_ is about to pour my drink. Stop him. Explain in French that I take no sugar. The two, and another waiter, stand round me, with dazed faces. By Jove, they speak only Spanish! Wish I had the conversation-book. But should probably have found something like "_Nous ne voulons pas faire une excursion en mer, parce qu'il fait trop de vent_," or "_Ces bottines sont un peu étroites, veuillez les élargir_." No good trying talking. Turn out eight or ten lumps of sugar, and so get my coffee. Then return to the opera. Four polite officials at the entrance gaze wonderingly at the counterfoil of my ticket, which I concluded served for readmission, no pass ticket being offered. Ask each one, in turn, if he speaks French. He does not. Oh for the conversation-book! If only I could say "_Tous les tableaux dans le Salon Carré du Louvre sont des chefs-d'[oe]uvre_," or "_Est-ce que mademoiselle votre s[oe]ur joue du piano?_" I should have shown myself to be an individual with innocent and refined tastes, and not a socialist or a brigand. The second phrase would have been singularly appropriate in the opera house. Alas, I cannot! So address them in French, with bows and smiles. And they respond in Spanish, evidently with great courtesy, also with bows and smiles, and let me pass in, probably because they cannot make me understand that I ought to stop out. For the future I must carry that conversation-book everywhere. [Illustration: OVERHEARD NEAR BERGEN _Norwegian Host_ (_whose English is not perfect--to British tourist_). "What that I tell you, sarr, it is quite true. Nansen killed his last dog to save the others!"] [Illustration: (THE IDEAL) THE MERRY SWISS BOY (THE REAL)] [Illustration: (THE IDEAL) THE MERRY SWISS GIRL (THE REAL)] THE TOURIST'S BOOK OF FATE IF YOU DREAM OF IT MEANS _Antwerp_ That you will be bored to death by Rubens. _Boulogne_ That you will lose a small fortune in tenth-rate gambling. _Calais_ That you will soon tire of your Continental trip, and stop prematurely. _Dieppe_ That you will have about as much change and comfort as at Brighton in November. _Etretat_ That you will be fortunate if you can secure comfortable lodgings. _Florence_ That you will never enter another picture-gallery for years. _Geneva_ That you will want to go away before you have fairly arrived.