* * * * * [Illustration: THE PENALTY OF FAME _Small Boy_ (_with shrill voice_). "'Fightin'--with--the Sev'nth--Royal Fu-siliers-- The famous Fu-siliers-- The fightin' Fu-siliers,'" &c., &c. _Irritable War-Office Clerk._ "Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusiliers! I'm sick of 'em! Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel Islands!" [_Does so._ ] * * * * * [Illustration: A CASE OF TU QUOQUE.--_She._ "How do you like my new hat?" _Sutherland Highlander._ "By Jove, what extraordinary headgear you women do wear!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THAT TYRANT MAN. _Thomas the Drummer._ "Well, Emmar, you needn't take on so. I loves you stright enough; but 'angin' round the barrick gates, askin' for me, is the sort of thing I will not 'ave!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MORE REFORMS WANTED. _Guardsman._ "I just told one of those Volunteer officers that he must _not_ come on parade with his pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the demmed impudence to say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his corps hadn't buttons!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Riding Master._ "I thought you said you could ride?" _Candidate for the Imperial Yeomanry._ "Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp!"] * * * * * THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK _How to make a Recruit._--Take a raw lad from the country (the younger the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick before a magistrate the next morning. Let him be sworn in, and he will then be nicely done. _How to make a Soldier._--Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has lost any _esprit de corps_ which may have been floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack him off to India. _Another Method._--Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical dressing. _How to make a Deserter._--A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.