* * * * * "THE BLACK WATCH" The Black Watch will go night and day. The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate. The Black Watch always keeps time. The Black Watch is never out of gear. The Black Watch wants no "winding up." The Black Watch can be warranted for any period. * * * * * _Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers)._ Now tell me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso? _P. of D. F._ Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me. * * * * * A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY.--When does the cannon ball? When the Vickers-Maxim. * * * * * "Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her niece, "I _do_ know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think." * * * * * [Illustration: _Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the front)._ "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"] * * * * * FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS (_From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist_) _How to represent the Army._--Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes. Regimental levée scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag. _How to represent the Navy._--Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors. Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver letters H.M.S. _Coquette_. Hair built up _à la_ "Belle of New York" surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers. * * * * * SOMETHING MILITARY.--The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, individually and collectively, more money than those of any other regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so--we name no names--these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers." * * * * * HOW EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE "SILENCE IN THE RANKS."--Use the _Dum Dum_ bullets. * * * * * [Illustration: PAID IN HIS OWN COIN; OR, WHAT WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE. _Convicted Contractor._ "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I can't eat this food!" _Warder Punch_. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the troops."] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR NON-COMS. _Orderly Sergeant (to officer)._ "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan ration short. Who will I give it to?"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE MILITARY PERIL.