DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres. Yours respectfully, CORPORAL TRIM. * * * * * [Illustration: "ALL'S WELL!" _Cockney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?" _Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE "A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his boots!"] * * * * * _Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!" _Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!" * * * * * WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports." * * * * * "AN ARMED NATION" ["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._] EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES 1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man. 2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final. 3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy. 4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle--_i.e._ one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed. 5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle. 6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.