Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary. First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh? Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the _Daily Wire_ on the subject. * * * * * SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the breach for this purpose._ _Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye! * * * * * MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they made!" * * * * * [Illustration: The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt, When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front." Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack. Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing ball cartridge, not blank." _Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought 'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"] * * * * *