[Illustration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so well off for butcher's meat as they could wish. _Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."] * * * * * [Illustration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!" _Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own bed, sir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_" _Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"] * * * * * [Illustration: ÆSTHETICS _Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more _Chippendale_ than ever!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE JOYS OF TOURING _Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!" _Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an' we'll get it off zummow!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?" _Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno." _Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where do travellers generally go?" _Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT _Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?" _Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----" _Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"] * * * * * Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner? * * * * * WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle. * * * * * [Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know." _Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_ mister?"] * * * * * TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of 'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent point de Suisse."_ * * * * * SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short, sharp grunts._ _Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in its cabin!