I've scanned and penned an Ode on Thy snowy glories, Snowdon My honeymoon with Helen, Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn, Afar from all the _beau monde_ I've rambled round Ben Lomond, At noontide on Ben Nevis, I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_, I've stretched each tired thin limb on Thy summit, O Plinlimmon, And once I tore my breeks On Macgillycuddy's Reeks. Those glorious mountain scalps, The tiptops of the Alps, I've seen--their pines and passes, Their glaciers and crevasses-- With fools, philosophers and wits, I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz, Made sketches on St. Gothard, Like Turner and like Stothard, And with my _cara sposa_ Ascended Monte Rosa: But not content with Europe, I've roamed with staff and new rope As far away as Ararat, Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat; The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan I know as well as any man; I've boiled my evening kettle On Popocatapetl, And on the highest Andes I've sodas mixed and brandies; I've slumbered snug and cosey On silvery Potosi; I've stood on Peter Botto, A rather lonely spot; And--crowning feat of all My mountaineerings on this ball-- I've smoked--O weed for ever blest! My pipe upon Mount Everest. And now my ramble's over, Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover! All Alpine risks and chances, All Ultramontane fancies, I've put away and done with; I'll stay my wife and son with, And never more will roam From Primrose Hill and home. * * * * * [Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the 'Red Lion' inn along this road?" _The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"] * * * * * [Illustration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A muffled grunt._) "Tom--Fire!" "Eh? What? What do you say?" "I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?" "_No_--'t won't--Chubb!" [_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._ ] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like Switzerland?" "Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!" "And did you go on into Italy?" "Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."] * * * * * [Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY _The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "---- and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there." _Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!" _The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"