_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and seven seals!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?" _Obliging Hostess._ "Oh, yes, sir." _First Traveller._ "Have you--er--any--er--_insects_ in this house?" _Obliging Hostess._ "No, sir. _But we can get you some!"_] * * * * * [Illustration: _Lady_ (_to her travelling companion, who has just had his finger-nail pinched badly_). "How horrid! I always think anything wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST _Jones._ (_Returning to England_). "We are quite fifty miles from the Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it distinctly now--can't you?" _Miss Brown_ (_from America_). "I guess it hasn't _quite_ reached me yet, Mr. Jones!"] * * * * * [Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.--_He._ "Oh, you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones among them.'" _She._ "Ah, I dare say there _may_ be two or three nice people amongst millions!"] * * * * * [Illustration: OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.--_Mr. Shoddy._ "_I_ always say, Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British snob till I am south of the Danube!" _Mrs. Sharp_ (_innocently_). "And what do the--a--_South Danubians_ say, Mr. Shoddy?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Waiter._ "Did you ring, Sir?" _Traveller_ (_as a gentle hint to previous arrival_). "_Another fire_, waiter!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Mr. Smith._ "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?" _Young American Bride._ "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."] * * * * * [Illustration: UNANSWERABLE _Pompous Magnate_ (_making speech at public luncheon in provincial town_). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in the neighbourhood of Lake Leman." _Cultured Neighbour_ (_in audible whisper_). "Pardon me, but the two places are synonymous." _P. M._ (_patronisingly_). "Ah! So _you_ may think, sir--so _you_ may think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the most synonymous of the two."] * * * * * [Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.--"Oh, papa! what _do_ you think? Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."