_Monsieur le Comte._ "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the ache everywhere. I have play the football!" _Britisher._ "Good! What?--Forward, half-back?" _Monsieur le Comte._ "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am 'Arbitre'--how you say it?--Referee!"] * * * * * IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD (_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_) Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden. Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from below with an opera-glass. Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice. Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer. Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I travelled with from Turin. Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_. Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time. * * * * * THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table d'hôte_. * * * * * [Illustration: THE RULING PASSION _Customs Official._ "Have you anything to declare?" _Absent-minded Traveller_ (_Bridge-player, just catching last word_). "Oh, leave it to you!"] * * * * * [Illustration:: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS _Henri Dubois_ (_who can speak English_) _to his friend 'Arry Smith_ (_who can't_). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so ungrammaticallé?" '_Arry._ "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it, yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a bloomin' swell, do yer?" _Henri._ "Voyez donc ça! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze merchants of cheese like you and me!" '_Arry._ "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers' little boys go?" _Henri._ "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!" ['_Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels bitterly towards his country._ ] * * * * * [Illustration: "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES" _Old Gentleman._ "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and not half sawdust?" _Storeman._ "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never had a complaint!"] * * * * * HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be the Pacific Ocean!" * * * * * "THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.