AT THE CRIC-CRAC RESTAURANT _Customer_ (_looking at bill_). Here, waiter, there's surely some mistake in this total. _Waiter_ (_politely_). Zehn thousand pardons, sir! Mit my usual carelessness I have added in ze date and vorgot to charge you for ze butter. * * * * * AN OVERSIGHT! _Swell._ Waiter! This--ah--chop's vewy dwy! _Waiter._ 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink with it, sir---- * * * * * [Illustration: A REBUKE _Host._ "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon cost me two and sixpence a pound!" _Guest_ (_no business of his_). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take another eighteen penn'orth!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CAUTION _The Major._ "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?" _Mrs. Jinks._ "Yes; but they make one so _unreserved_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST) _Farmer_ (_proposing landlord's health_). "An' if a' squiears 'ud _dew_ as our squiear _dew_, there wudna be so many on 'em as _dew_ as they _dew dew_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BELIEVING.--"Then you don't believe in phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.--_Mr. Bumblepup._ "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress." _Hostess._ "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking more foolish than usual, and you're not."] * * * * * [Illustration: _Mr. Boreham_ (_in the thick of a long and pointless story_). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'" _She_ (_with difficulty keeping awake_). "Yes?--_and was it_?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to friend who has been brought in to take pot-luck_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner to offer you." _Mr. Simpson._ "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure you I think it quite desirable to _underfeed_ occasionally!"] * * * * * THE DINNER CHAIRMAN'S VADE MECUM (_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_) _Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner? _Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the company.