_Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest of your convives? _A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which entirely destroys my appetite. _Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts? _A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form, which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm. _Q._ What can be said about the united service? _A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the furtherance of their interests. _Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of Parliament? _A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject. _Q._ What about the toast of the evening? _A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks, two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic. _Q._ How are the visitors to be treated? _A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate chaff. _Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own health? _A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters. * * * * * [Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but _do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!" [_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]] * * * * * [Illustration: REASSURING "Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly, sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE _Sprightly Lady._ "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with----" _Bashful Curate_ (_who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour_). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?----" _Lady._ "----a remark!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE CONNOISSEUR.--_Host_ (_smacking his lips_). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat. That's '34 port, sir!" _Guest._ "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."] * * * * *