"William, where's John? What, is he gone?" "Not gone away, sir. Sorry to say, sir; John ill a-bed, sir, Bad in 'is 'ed, sir. 'Ad a great fright, sir. Turned 'is 'air wite, sir. Last Monday night, sir." "Struck down with fear! How? Let me hear." "'Orrible thing, sir, Came on the wing sir; Window in through, sir, Suddently flew, sir, Into this room, sir, A shape from the tomb, sir. 'Twasn't a bat, sir; No, sir, not that, sir: Moth, sir, we thought, sir. But wen it was caught, sir, Huttered a shriek, sir, A scream, sir, a squeak, sir! Hinsect, you know, sir, Couldn't do so, sir. Wot should we find, sir, On its back, sir, be'ind, sir, Printed, exact, sir?-- A skull, sir,--a fact, sir! John gasped for breath, sir; Thought it was Death, sir-- Notice to quit, sir. John was that frit, sir, John 'ad a fit, sir-- Went a'most mad, sir. John very bad, sir; Better, bimeby, sir; 'Opes John won't die, sir. Doctor 'e said, sir, Moth, named death's 'ed, sir, In natteral 'istory, sir; Rare; but no mystery, sir: Honly a prize, sir, A catch in 'is heyes, sir, As a medical gent, sir, No call to repent, sir-- That's 'is belief, sir. A sirloin of beef, sir, Just up--very nice, sir. Bring you a slice, sir? Potatoes and greens, sir-- And any French beans, sir?" * * * * * [Illustration: _Mrs. Godolphin._ "Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?" _Mrs. Lascelles._ "No. _I_ was there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow." _Mrs. Godolphin._ "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF IMPORTANCE.--_Mrs. Brown._ "We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." _The Family Greengrocer._ "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth." _Mrs. Brown._ "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." _Mr. Green._ "Yes, ma'am. Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week _after_, ma'am?"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID "By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!" "Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID "You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!" "Oh, it's not quite so bad as _that_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FREAKS OF NATURE _Waiter._ "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"]