Unto Rome conduct all roads: Think of this when eating toads. Flog first fault: _principiis obsta_, Think of this when eating lobster. While grass grows the horse may starve: Think of this when asked to carve. Shake the tree when fruit is ripe: Think of this when eating tripe. Fools build houses, wise men buy: Think of this when eating pie. Pause, ere leaping in the dark: Think of this when eating lark. Punctual pay gets willing loan: Think of _this_ when drinking Beaune. Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers: Think o' _this_ when eating cauliflowers. Birds of a feather flock together: Think of this when the idiot of a cook has boiled the oysters in the sauce, and made them as tough as leather. [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _Hostess._ "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the table!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Waiter_ (_who has "seen better days"--absently, as he pours out the champagne_). "Say when!"] * * * * * SPRING-CLEANING. "In Spring when woods are getting green," My wife begins the house to clean, And I am driven from this scene, Of scrub-land. The mops and pails left on the stairs I come across, quite unawares, And break my shins and utter--prayers, For tub-land. In clouds of dust I choke and cough, Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff, I'd go (if I were not a toff) To pub-land. But--mum--I won't kick up a shine Nor of delight give any sign, But, quietly, I'm off to dine In Club-land. * * * * * A SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore. * * * * * A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf. * * * * * POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's. * * * * * TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn. * * * * * [Illustration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pass the _salt_, please?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you can--ah--leave us!" _Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is, sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see, sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!] * * * * * DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT