* * * * * [Illustration: "SOCKER" ON THE BRAIN.--_Harry._ "Smart sort that on the right--forward." _Tom_ (_a devoted "footer"_). "Right forward? Oh! no good forward; but looks like making a fair 'half-back'!"] * * * * * [Illustration: EXCHANGE! _Togswell (in the washing room at the office, proceeding to dress for the De Browncy's dinner-party)._ "Hullo! What the dooce"--(_pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel tights, a pink striped jersey, and a spiked canvas shoe_).--"Confound it! Yes!--I must have taken that fellow's bag who said he was going to the athletic sports this afternoon, and he's got mine with my dress clothes!!"] * * * * * A DERBY DIALOGUE SCENE--_In Town._ JONES _meets_ BROWN. [Illustration] _Jones._ Going to Epsom? _Brown._ No, I think not. Fact is, the place gets duller year by year. The train has knocked the fun out of the road. _Jones._ Such a waste of time. Why go in a crowd to see some horses race, when you can read all about it in the evening papers? _Brown._ Just so. No fun. No excitement. And the Downs are wretched if it rains or snows. _Jones._ Certainly. The luncheon, too, is all very well; but, after all, it spoils one's dinner. _Brown._ Distinctly. And champagne at two o'clock is premature. _Jones._ And lobster-salad undoubtedly indigestible. So it's much better not to go to the Derby--in spite of the luncheon. _Brown._ Yes,--in spite of the luncheon. [Illustration] (_Two hours pass. Scene changes to Epsom._) _Jones._ Hullo! You here? _Brown._ Hullo! And if it comes to that, you here, too? _Jones._ Well, I really found so little doing in town that I thought I might be here as well as anywhere else. _Brown._ Just my case. Not that there's much to see or do. Silly as usual. _Jones._ Quite. Always said the Derby was a fraud. But I am afraid, my dear fellow, I must hurry away, as I have got to get back to my party for luncheon. _Brown._ So have I. [Exeunt severally. * * * * * MAXIM FOR THE DERBY DAY There's many a slip 'Twixt the race and the tip. * * * * * [Illustration: "LAST, BUT NOT LEAST" "Why do you call him a good jockey! He never rides a winner." "That just proves it. He can finish last on the best horse in the race!"] * * * * * [Illustration: IN SEARCH OF A "CERTAINTY."--_Cautious Gambler._ "Four to one be blowed! I want a chaunce of gettin' a bit for my money." _Bookmaker._ "Tell you what you want. You ought to join a burial society. Sure to get somethin' out o' that!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AN ECHO FROM EPSOM.--"Wot's the matter, Chawley?" "Matter! See that hinnercent babby there? 'E's got 'is pockets full o' tin tacks!"] * * * * *