* * * * * [Illustration: WE MUSTN'T ALWAYS JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. "I say, Bill, you aren't got such a thing as the price of 'arf a pint about you, are yer? I'm so blooming dry!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Philanthropic Coster' (who has been crying "Perry-wink-wink-wink!" till he's hoarse--and no buyers)._ "I wonder what the p'or unfort'nate creeters in these 'ere low neighb'r'oods do live on!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: RUDE INQUIRY _Street Arabs._ "Hoo curls yer 'air, gov'nour?"] * * * * * [Illustration: BILLINGSGATE UP-TO-DATE. _'Enery._ "'Ullo, Chawley? Wot's up? 'As yer motor broke down?" _Chawley (whose "moke" is a "bit below himself")._ "Yuss, smashed me 'sparking plug.'"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First "Growler"._ "'Ulloah, William, where are yer takin' that little lot?" _Second "Growler"._ "Hararat! Don't yer see I'm navigatin' the Hark?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _'Arriet._ "I will say this for Bill, 'e _do_ look the gentleman!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Urchin._ "Fifth o' November, sir! Only a copper, sir! Jist a penny, sir!" _Second Urchin._ "Let 'im alone. _Cawn't yer see 'e's one of the family!_"] * * * * * SONGS FOR THE NATION "[Greek: Lays are a luxury songs essential.]" _'Arrystophanes._ It is evident that the nation is yearning for singable songs in the 'Arry dialect. The late lamented Artemus Ward would probably have said, "Let her yearn"; but a stern sense of duty impels me to try and meet the need, created by the _Daily Chronicle_. I have a comforting impression that all that is necessary to insure correctness is to "chinge" as many "a"s as possible into "i"s. By this means I secure the "local colouring," which, by the way, has undergone a complete change since Dickens spelt Weller "with a wee, my lord." A catchword, a propos of nothing, is always useful, so I have duly provided it. 'ARRY THE OPTIMIST I. Oh! you should see My gal and me (Mariar is 'er nime), When we go daown To Brighton taown To 'ave a gorjus time. She wears sich feathers in 'er 'at, She's beautiful and guy, But it ain't all beer and skittles--flat And 'ere's the reason why: _Refrine--_ She 'urries me, she worries me, To ketch the bloomin' trine; She 'ustles me, she bustles me, She grumbles 'arf the time: It's "'Arry do," and "'Arry don't," Which "'Arry" will, or "'Arry" won't (It goes against the grine), But-- (_Triumphantly._) We 'as a 'appy 'ollidy, We gets there all the sime. --'Urry up, 'Arry. II.