[Illustration: _Lady Visitor (at work-girls' club, giving some advice on manners)._ "And you know ladies never speak to gentlemen without an introduction." _'Liza._ "We knows yer don't, miss, an' we offen pities yer!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AN IDYLL _Hemma._ "Oh, 'Arry, hain't this 'eavenly! You'll promise to give me 'am sandwiches always, when we're married, won't yer?" _'Arry._ "'Corse I will!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Workman._ "Why don't yer buy yer _own_ matches, 'stead of always cadgin' mine?" _Second Workman._ "You're uncommon mean with yer matches. I'll just take a few"--(_helps himself to two-thirds_)--"and be hinderpendent of yer!"] * * * * * [Illustration: ERRAND BOYS _First Boy._ "Where are yer goin' to, Bill?" _Second Boy._ "I've got to go right over 'Ammersmith Bridge to Barnes, then I'se got to go to Putney and back by Fulham Road, then to 'Igh Street, Kensington." _First Boy._ "Why, I've got to go to 'Igh Street. You go on. I'm in a bit of a hurry, but _I'll wait for yer_!"] * * * * * MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY.--A Cockney gentleman who had been hearing a concert of old music, where every piece that was performed was in the programme termed an "op.," observed, as he went out, "Well, after all these 'ops, I vote we have some malt." * * * * * COCKNEYISM IN THE COUNTRY.--_1st Cockney._ I say, what sort of a 'ouse will do for a fowl-'ouse? _2nd Cockney._ Lor' bless yer, _hen_-ny 'ouse. * * * * * CONUNDRUM FOR COCKNEYS.--Which has the greater amount of animal heat, the beaver or the otter? Why, of course, the _otter_ of the two. * * * * * SONG OF THE COCKNEY SPORTSMAN How happy could I be in heather, At the grouse gaily blazing away! But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather, So 'tis better at Brighton to stay. * * * * * PRO BONO.--There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is the Cockney's prime aversion--the h-bone. * * * * * [Illustration: A MODEL MODEL. (_The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio._) "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?" "From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men." "He must find you a very useful person." "Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. All _he's_ got to do is just to _shove 'em on!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Tripper._ "'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o' that bob I gave yer?" _Bystander._ "Don't worry about it, cocky; ain't you got the bloomin' 'oss as security!"] * * * * *