"THE TEACHING OF ERSE IN IRELAND."--"Well," says 'Arry, "it sounds uncommon funereal. O' course I knew an erse and plumes and coal black 'osses is what they call a 'moral lesson.' But why make such a fuss about it in Ireland?" * * * * * AN AWKWARD NAME.--'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the little auk was a sparrow-'awk. * * * * * "He is the greatest liar on (H)earth," as the Cockney said of the lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire. * * * * * [Illustration: THE VERNACULAR. "Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now e' can speak it puffick--jes' the sime as wot you an' me can."] * * * * * DINNER FOR THE H-LESS. GOOD EDUCATIONAL COURSE FOR AN UNEDUCATED COCKNEY.--An _aitch_-bone. * * * * * COCKNEYS AT ALDERSHOT.--_First Cockney._ "'Ere, 'Arry, where's the colonel?" _Second Cockney._ "The _colonel_, bless yer, 'e's in _an 'ut_." * * * * * HOUSEHOLD NOTE.--_(By a Cockney). What to do with cold mutton. H_eat it. * * * * * COCKNEY CONUNDRUM.--Wot lake in Hengland's got the glassiest buzzum? Windermere. * * * * * FOR CIVES ROMANI.--The way to 'Ampton races?--The 'Appy 'Un (Appian) of course. * * * * * [Illustration: _'Bus Conductor._ "Emmersmith! Emmersmith! 'Ere ye are Emmersmith!" _Liza Ann._ "Oo er yer callin' Emmer Smith? Sorcy 'ound!"] * * * * * [Illustration: POOR LETTER "A." "Do you sell type?"--"Type, sir? No, sir. This is an ironmonger's. You'll find type at the linendryper's over the w'y!" "I don't mean _tape_, man! _Type_, for _printing_!" "Oh, _toype_ yer mean! I beg yer pardon, sir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: MYOPIA _Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him)._ "I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted----" _Dissipated Stranger._ "Do' mensh't, shir--I've met goo' many shor' sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht 'pology!"] * * * * * OUR 'ARRY AGAIN! 'Arry _is at a hotel where the boarding system prevails, and sees the following notice posted on the walls--"Breakfast, 9 a.m."_ _'Arry (to Waiter)._ "Breakfast, and some 'am." _Waiter._ "We've no 'am." _'Arry._ "No 'am! _(Pointing to notice.)_ What's that?" * * * * * _Says one 'Arry to another 'Arry._ "I say, old man, the papers say they 'ope 1882 will be the openin' of a new era. What's that?"