And this he did, using a club unlike anything I had seen before. Then he surveyed the putting-green--about half a mile away--through his glasses, and remarked that it was a fairish shot, the ball being within three inches of the hole. His companion, who went through the same lengthy preliminaries, was less fortunate. In a tone of considerable disgust he announced that he had over-driven the hole by four hundred yards. "Too much hydrogen," murmured Jones, "or else he got his formulæ muddled. Well, we can start now. Shall I lead the way?" I begged him to do so. He in turn surveyed the country, consulted instruments, did elaborate sums, inflated his ball. "Now," he said, at length settling into his stance, "now I'll show you." And then he missed the ball clean. ... Of course he ought not to have used such language, and yet it was a sort of relief to find _something_ about the game which was entirely unchanged. * * * * * [Illustration: A LAST RESORT.--_Miss Armstrong_ (_who has foozled the ball six times with various clubs_). "And which of the sticks am I to use now?" _Weary Caddie._ "Gie it a bit knock wi' the bag!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Caddie_ (_in stage whisper to Biffin, who is frightfully nervous_). "Don't you get nervous, sir. It's all right. I've told every one of 'em you can't play!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Fitzfoozle_ (_a beginner, who is "teaching" a lady on the men's links, and loses a club_). "Pardon me, sir. Have you seen a lady's club anywhere?" _Admiral Peppercorn_ (_very irate at being delayed, wishes ladies would play on their own course_). "No, sir, but there's a goose club at the 'Pig and Whistle,' I believe. Try that!"] * * * * * ROYAL AND ANCIENT RECORDS.--The _Glasgow Evening Times_ displayed the following headings on the occasion of His Majesty's visit to North Berwick:-- VISIT TO THE GOLF COURSE. A DRIVE THROUGH THE TOWN. This, of course, constitutes a new record, the old one standing at about 330 yards. * * * * * THE GOLFER'S FRIEND AFTER LONG DRIVES--The Tea-Caddy. * * * * * GOLF MOTTO.--The "Hole" hog or none. * * * * * [Illustration: _Golfer, whose ball has lodged under stone, has had several unsuccessful shots, and finally, with a tremendous stroke, smashed his club._ _Old Man._ "You put me in moind of my old jackass." _Golfer._ "What d'you mean, you idiot?" _Old Man._ "Yer've got more strength than knowledge!"] * * * * * THE MOAN OF THE MAIDEN (_After Tennyson_) Golf! Golf! Golf! By the side of the sounding sea; And I would that my ears had never Heard aught of the "links" and the "tee."