I.--THE HISTORY OF A MATCH. Let A be the Links where I went down to stay, And B the man whom I challenged to play:-- * * * C was the Caddie no golfer's without, D was the Driver I used going "out": E was the Extra loud "Fore!" we both holloa-ed, F was the Foozle which commonly followed: G was the Green which I longed to approach, H was the Hazard which upset the coach: I was B's Iron-shot (he's good for a younker), J was his Joy when I pitched in the bunker. K was the Kodak, that mischief-contriver, L was B's Likeness--on smashing his driver: M was the Moment he found out 'twas taken. N was his Niblick around my head shaken: O was the Oil poured on waters so stormy, P was the Putt which, next hole, made me dormy. Q was the Quality--crowds came to look on: R the Result they were making their book on: S was the Stymie I managed to lay, T was Two more, which it forced him to play; U was the Usual bad work he let fly, V was the Vengeance he took in the bye. * * * W the Whisky that night: I must own X was its quantity--wholly unknown; Y were the Yarns which hot whisky combine with, Z was the Zest which we sang "_Auld Lang Syne_". * * * * * [Illustration: _Short-sighted Lady Golfer._ "Hi! have you seen a golf-ball fall anywhere here, please?" [_Victim regards ball with remaining eye._] ] * * * * * II.--A TOAST. Fill up your glasses! Bumpers round Of Scotland's mountain dew! With triple clink my toast you'll drink, The Links I pledge with you: The Links that bind a million hearts, There's magic in their name, The Links that lie 'neath every sky, And the Royal and Ancient Game! A health to all who "miss the globe," The special "stars" who don't; May thousands thrive to tee and drive As Jehu's self was wont! No tee without a caddie--then The caddies will acclaim! A health, I say, to all who play The Royal and Ancient Game! Long life to all who face the foe, And on the green "lie dead"!-- An envied lot, as all men wot, For gallant "lads in red": Where balls fly fast and iron-shots plough Win medals, trophies, fame; Your watchword "Fore!" One cheer--two more-- For the Royal and Ancient Game! Then "_toe_ and _heel_ it" on the green (You'll make your partner swear), But I'll be bound your dance, a round, With luck will end all square Win, lose, or halve the match--what odds? We love our round the same; Though luck take wing, "the play's the thing," The Royal and Ancient Game! * * *