Then, Royal and Ancient Game, accept This tribute lay from me; From me then take, for old sake's sake, This toast--Long life to thee! A long, long life to thee, old friend-- None worthier the name-- With three times three, long life to thee, O Royal and Ancient Game! [Illustration: Punch] * * * * * [Illustration: _Very mild Gentleman_ (_who has failed to hit the ball five times in succession_). "Well ----" _Up-to-date Caddy_ (_producing gramophone charged with appropriate expletives_). "Allow me, sir!" [_Mild Gentleman_ DOES _allow him, and moreover presents him with a shilling for handling the subject in such a masterly manner._] ] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Golfer_ (_to Second Golfer, who is caught in a bunker_). "Well, Jones told me this morning he did this hole yesterday in four." _Second Golfer_ (_who stammers_). "If Jones s-s-said he did it in four, he was a l-l-l-l----" _First Golfer._ "Steady, friend, steady!" _Second Golfer._ "----he was a l-lucky beggar!"] * * * * * GOLF-LAND--HOLE BY HOLE _Match for a suit of oil-skins between Sunny Jack and Dismal Jimmy._ "The rain has beaten all records."--_Daily Papers._ "Play the game."--_Modern motto._ _Hole 1._--Halved in 28. D.J. gets into the current with his 16th (a beauty) and is rescued by life-boat. _Hole 2._--Abandoned. A green-finder with a divining-rod, which is convertible into an umbrella, states that Primitive Baptists are using the green for purposes of total immersion. _Hole 3._--Abandoned. A regatta is found to be taking place in the big bunker. _Hole 4._--Halved in 23. S.J. discovered with life-belt round him which he has stolen from the flag. Reported death of a green-keeper, lost in trying to rescue two caddies from the bunker going to the 11th hole. _Hole 5._--Abandoned out of sympathy with the green-keeper. _Hole 6._--Abandoned. S.J. gets his driver mixed in his life-belt, with the result that his braces burst. D.J. claims hole on the ground that no player may look for a button for more than two minutes. Mr. Vardon, umpiring from balloon, disallows claim. Both players take to canoes. _Hole 7._--D.J.'s canoe upset by body of drowned sheep as he is holing short put. Mr. Vardon decides that corpses are rubs on the green. _Hole 8._--Abandoned, owing to a fight for life-belt. _Hole 9._--Halved in 303, Mr. Vardon keeping the score. _Hole 10._--D.J. saves S.J.'s life. Hole awarded to S.J. by Mr. Vardon out of sympathy. S.J. one up. _Hole 11._--S.J. saves D.J.'s life and receives the Humane Society's monthly medal and the hole from Mr. Vardon as a reward of courage. S.J. two up. _Hole 12._--Abandoned. Collection made for the widows of drowned golfers, which realises ninepence. S.J. subsequently returns from a long, low dive.