Up his sordid stairs in secret to the cistern now he steals, Where, amidst organic matter, gambol microscopic eels; Tremblingly he turns the tap on--not a trickle greets the trough! For the stony-hearted turncock’s gone and cut his water off! _Refrain_ (_in which the profligate is supposed to demand an explanation from the turncock, with a terrible dénoûment_). “Rate a quarter owing, Comp’ny stopped supply.” “Set the stream a-flowing, Demon--or you die!” “Mercy!--ah! you’ve choked me!” [_In hoarse, strangled voice as the turncock._ “_Will_ you turn the plug?” [_Savagely as the hero._ “No!” [_Faintly, as turncock._ [_Business of flinging a corpse on stage, and regarding it terror-stricken. A long pause; then, in a whisper,_-- “The fool provoked me! (_With a maniac laugh._) Horror! I’m a Thug!” [_Here the artist will die, mad, in frightful agony, and rise to bow his acknowledgments._ [Illustration: THE DUETTISTS.] IX.--THE DUETTISTS. The “Duet and Dance” form so important a feature in Music-hall entertainments, that they could hardly, with any propriety, be neglected in a model compilation such as _Mr. Punch’s_, and it is possible that he may offer more than one example of this blameless diversion. For some reason or other, the habit of singing in pairs would seem to induce a pessimistic tone of mind in most Music-hall _artistes_, and--why, _Mr. Punch_ does not pretend to say--this cynicism is always more marked when the performers are of the softer sex. Our present study is intended to fulfil the requirements of the most confirmed female sceptic, and, though the Message of the Music Halls may have been given worthier and fuller expression by pens more practised in such compositions, _Mr. Punch_ is still modestly confident that this ditty, with all its shortcomings, can be sung in any Music Hall in the Metropolis without exciting any sentiment other than entire approval of the teaching it conveys. One drawback, indeed, it has, but that concerns the performers alone. For the sake of affording contrast and relief, it was thought expedient that one of the fair duettists should profess an optimism which may--perhaps must--tend to impair her popularity. A conscientious _artiste_ may legitimately object, for the sake of her professional reputation, to present herself in so humiliating a character as that of an _ingénue_, and a female “Juggins”; and it does seem as if the Cynical Sister must inevitably monopolise the sympathies of an enlightened audience. However, this difficulty is less formidable than it appears; it should be easy for the Unsophisticated Sister to convey a subtle suggestion here and there, possibly in the incidental dance between the verses, that she is not really inferior to her partner in smartness and knowledge of the world.