For hae ye heard their latest plan? I canna weel believe it-- Deil tak’ the impidence o’ man That ever daured conceive it! They’re sending doun a Southron loon Frae far across the border Tae lairn us hoo tae shape oor mou’ An’ set oor tongue in order. Noo hoo could ony man expec’ We’d thole thae Angliceesms An’ lairn a furrin’ deealec’ O’ crude proveencialeesms? Tae think a fule frae Liverpool Should undertak’ tae settle The kind o’ way we oucht tae say Oor wordies in Kingskettle! [Illustration: CONSCIENCE _U. P. Elder._ “The meenister needna’ ’been that haurd en hes discoorse. Theer plenty o’ leears i’ Peebles forbye me!”] * * * * * PROVIDING FOR THE FUTURE.--_The O’Hooligan (to the MacTavish)._ Faix! but ye seem to be overlapping your quantum to-night, Laird. Has your grandfather jined to the Kensal Greeners? _The MacTavish._ That no, sir, but the morrow, gin that nae accident happen, I shall hae the luxury o’ lunching wi’ my bluid cousin, the ex-Baillie o’ Whilknacraigie, a strict temperance mon, wha canna stand whusky. And so I’m _joost drinkin’ up to his soda-water beforehand_. * * * * * [Illustration: “THE BAR-RD OF A-Y-VON!” _Member of the “Northern Shakspeare Society.”_ “Man, yon Wully Shakspeare maun hae been a maist extr’o’dinary pairson! Theer-r thengs cam’ entil his heid ’at wad never hae com’ ento mine!--NEVER!”] [Illustration: _Scottish Waitress._ “There’s a laddie doon the stair wa’antin’ tae see ’ye----” _Mossoo._ “A lady! Mon Dieu! Say her to give herself the pain to sit down while I arrange my toilet.”] [Illustration: The “lady” in waiting.] [Illustration: PROMPT AND PRACTICAL _Reverend Stranger._ “My good man, can you tell me the nearest way to the cathedral?” _Scottish Cabby._ “Jist inside the cab here, sir.”] A SECOND VISIT TO SCOTLAND (_Being an additional Chapter to “The Tour in the Hebrides”_) “Sir,” said Dr. Johnson, “let us take a walk down Princes Street.” Finding the great man in so excellent a humour, I seized upon the opportunity to put to him many interesting questions. “Sir,” said I, “pray what do you think of Edinburgh?” “I think, sir,” replied the Doctor, “that its name is most appropriate.” “Sir,” I continued, in a fever of anticipation, “I shall be very much obliged to you if you will explain your meaning in greater detail.” [Illustration: “THE BILLS OF MORTALITY” _Kirk Elder (after a look at his morning paper)._ “Poor McStagger deid! Et’s vera sad to thenk o’ the great number o’ destengweshed men that’s lately been ta’en! ’Deed--I no feel vera weel--mysel!”] [Illustration: A MERE DETAIL _Friend of the Family._ “Weel, Mrs. M‘Glasgie, and how’s your daughter doin’, the one that was married a while ago?” _Mrs. M‘Glasgie._ “Oh, varra weel, thank ye, Mr. Brown, varra weel, indeed! She canna abide her man. But then, ye ken, there’s aye a something!!”]