* * * * * A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind you don't use any rude words!" "Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!" * * * * * [Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR" _Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----" _Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only _one_, and that's cheating!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION _Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_). "When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to keep my hat on?"] * * * * * [Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"] * * * * * WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane to-night? _Mamma._ No, darling? Why? _Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps up there lighted so late. * * * * * [Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If 'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE PROBLEM. _Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"] * * * * * [Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to _bite_ Félicie was quite my own idea!"] * * * * * ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie? _Maggie._ I don't know. _Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about? _Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my 'punge-take! _Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago! _Maggie._ O--that was baby's! * * * * * A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the meaning of bric-à-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet? _Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear we'll break them. * * * * * POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--