“Why you speak lemons to me and honey to telephone?” I asked to know. “Because,” she report, “there are two ways of talking--one way for servants, other way for telephone.” “Sometimes I wish you would talk to me like a telephone,” I require, saddishly. One raindrop morning this Mrs. Calicutt approach to me and report. “Togo, I am at home to-morrow afternoon.” “Will you be more at home then than you are now?” I ask it. “I are not at home now,” she dib, snubbly. “How confused!” I magnify. “You mean tell me you are not at home when I see you there standing?” “Truthfully I speak it.” This from her. “Then maybe you could be elsewhere when you are at home?” I collapse. “Quite conveniently,” she otter. “I know some several ladies who frequently go ottomobile riding on days when they are at home.” “America are full of customs,” I report, enjoying headache in my understanding. “I am at home on second and fifth Wednesdays of September, June, and January,” she speak onwards. “I choose them difficult dates so folks can amuse themselves calculating when they will see me next. It are not fashionable for a lady to be seen too frequently at her residence.” “It would require train despatchers and astronomers to calculate when to call with cards,” I report. She make no visible reply to that. “To-morrow is my Wednesday,” she describe, pridefully. “Will you keep this date all to yourself?” I ask to know. “Not by no means I won’t!” she snudge. “I have invite considerable guests for slight tea-drunk. I asked them for 4. P. M. So I shall expect them about 6:30.” “How much people you expect, if any?” I require. “Folks who comes to afternoon tea-drunk are like mice what comes to traps. You never can tell how many you will catch. Sometimes refreshment-bait are entirely wasted without a nibble. Sometime they come in such quantities they carries off the trap. Sometime, when you ask folks to tea, they behave shyly like rabbits. Sometimes they make forward stampede like mules, all attempting to rush at once.” “Then you cannot give me any statistic to estimate how many persons will arrive up to your Wednesday to-morrow?” “I asked 80 persons. Perhapsly 8 or 200 will arrive. Who knows what?” “Do all them persons expect to eat from your food?” I asked, for cold eyebrows. “Folks does not come to teas to eat entirely, but to eat somewhat,” she reproof. “Mutton chops, oyster, and soup would seem too heavyweight for such festival. Yet they would act disappointed and peevly if they could not have some lightweight refreshment.” “Ham plus eggs would do for them, perhapsly?” I snuggest. “Nothing would seem more toothless for such occasion,” she growell. “Slight nibble of cakes, slight squench of chocolate will be too sufficient with conversation. Therefore, I ask you to attend to refreshments for to-morrow. Please prepare following lightweight foods for them: 5 doz. devilish ham samditches. 5 doz. nutty samditches confused with cheeze.