Mrs. Caudle's Curtain LecturesJerrold, Douglas William
General
Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
Jerrold, Douglas William
English wit and humor; Marriage -- Humor
“I did think we might go to Margate this summer. There's poor little
Caroline, I'm sure she wants the sea. But no, dear creature! she must
stop at home--all of us must stop at home--she'll go into a consumption,
there's no doubt of that; yes--sweet little angel!--I've made up my mind
to lose her, _now_. The child might have been saved; but people can't
save their children and throw away their five pounds too.
“I wonder where poor little Cherub is! While you were lending that five
pounds, the dog ran out of the shop. You know, I never let it go into
the street, for fear it should be bit by some mad dog, and come home and
bite all the children. It wouldn't now at all astonish me if the animal
was to come back with the hydrophobia and give it to all the family.
However, what's your family to you, so you can play the liberal creature
with five pounds?
“Do you hear that shutter, how it's banging to and fro? Yes,--I know
what it wants as well as you, it wants a new fastening. I was going to
send for the blacksmith to-day. But now it's out of the question: _now_
it must bang of nights, since you've thrown away five pounds.
“Well, things are come to a pretty pass! This is the first night I ever
made my supper off roast beef without pickles. But who is to afford
pickles when folks are always lending five pounds?
“Ha! there's the soot falling down the chimney. If I hate the smell
of anything, it's the smell of soot. And you know it; but what are my
feelings to you? Sweep the chimney! Yes, it's all very fine to say,
sweep the chimney--but how are chimneys to be swept--how are they to be
paid for by people who don't take care of their five pounds?
“Do you hear the mice running about the room? _I_ hear them. If they
were only to drag you out of bed, it would be no matter. Set a trap
for them! Yes, it's easy enough to say--set a trap for 'em. But how are
people to afford the cheese, when every day they lose five pounds?
“Hark! I'm sure there's a noise down stairs. It wouldn't at all surprise
me if there were thieves in the house. Well, it _may_ be the cat; but
thieves are pretty sure to come in some night. There's a wretched
fastening to the back-door; but these are not times to afford bolts and
bars, when fools wont take care of their five pounds.
“Mary Anne ought to have gone to the dentist's to-morrow. She wants
three teeth taken out. Now, it can't be done. Three teeth that quite
disfigure the child's mouth. But there they must stop, and spoil the
sweetest face that was ever made. Otherwise, she'd have been a wife for
a lord. Now, when she grows up, who'll have her? Nobody. We shall die,
and leave her alone and unprotected in the world. But what do you care
for that? Nothing; so you can squander away five pounds.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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