Mrs. Caudle's Curtain LecturesJerrold, Douglas William
General
Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
Jerrold, Douglas William
English wit and humor; Marriage -- Humor
"No, I wouldn't slander a saint--and I didn't take away the girl's
character for nothing. I know she brought an action for what I said;
and I know you had to pay damages for what you call my tongue--I well
remember all that. And serve you right; if you hadn't laughed at
her, it wouldn't have happened. But if you will make free with such
people, of course you're sure to suffer for it. 'Twould have served
you right if the lawyer's bill had been double. Damages, indeed!
Not that anybody's tongue could have damaged her!
"And now, Mr. Caudle, you're the same man you were ten years ago.
What?
"YOU HOPE SO?
"The more shame for you. At your time of life, with all your
children growing up about you, to -
"WHAT AM I TALKING OF?
"I know very well; and so would you, if you had any conscience, which
you haven't. When I say I shall discharge Kitty, you say she's a
very good servant, and I sha'n't get a better. But I know why you
think her good; you think her pretty, and that's enough for you; as
if girls who work for their bread have any business to be pretty,--
which she isn't. Pretty servants, indeed! going mincing about with
their fal-lal faces, as if even the flies would spoil 'em. But I
know what a bad man you are--now, it's no use your denying it; for
didn't I overhear you talking to Mr. Prettyman, and didn't you say
that you couldn't bear to have ugly servants about you? I ask you,--
didn't you say that?
"PERHAPS YOU DID?
"You don't blush to confess it? If your principles, Mr. Caudle,
aren't enough to make a woman's blood run cold!
"Oh, yes! you've talked that stuff again and again; and once I might
have believed it; but I know a little more of you now. You like to
see pretty servants, just as you like to see pretty statues, and
pretty pictures, and pretty flowers, and anything in nature that's
pretty, just, as you say, for the eye to feed upon. Yes; I know your
eyes,--very well. I know what they were ten years ago; for shall I
ever forget that glass of wine when little Jack was in arms? I don't
care if it was a thousand years ago, it's as fresh as yesterday, and
I never will cease to talk of it. When you know me, how can you ask
it?
"And now you insist upon keeping Kitty, when there's no having a bit
of crockery for her? That girl would break the Bank of England--I
know she would--if she was to put her hand upon it. But what's a
whole set of blue china to her beautiful blue eyes? I know that's
what you mean, though you don't say it.
"Oh, you needn't lie groaning there, for you don't think I shall ever
forget Rebecca. Yes,--it's very well for you to swear at Rebecca
now,--but you didn't swear at her then, Mr. Caudle, I know.
'Margaret, my dear!' Well, how you can have the face to look at me -
"YOU DON'T LOOK AT ME?
"The more shame for you.
"I can only say, that either Kitty leaves the house, or I do. Which
is it to be, Mr. Caudle? Eh?
"YOU DON'T CARE? BOTH?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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