Political fiction; Russia -- History -- 1801-1917 -- Fiction; Russia -- Officials and employees -- Fiction
“Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am, perhaps,
worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though,” I hastened,
however, to say in self-defence. “Besides, a man is no example for a
woman. It’s a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I
am not anyone’s slave. I come and go, and that’s an end of it. I shake
it off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the start.
Yes, a slave! You give up everything, your whole freedom. If you want
to break your chains afterwards, you won’t be able to; you will be more
and more fast in the snares. It is an accursed bondage. I know it. I
won’t speak of anything else, maybe you won’t understand, but tell me:
no doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see,” I added,
though she made no answer, but only listened in silence, entirely
absorbed, “that’s a bondage for you! You will never buy your freedom.
They will see to that. It’s like selling your soul to the devil.... And
besides ... perhaps, I too, am just as unlucky—how do you know—and
wallow in the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know, men take to
drink from grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come, tell me, what
is there good here? Here you and I ... came together ... just now and
did not say one word to one another all the time, and it was only
afterwards you began staring at me like a wild creature, and I at you.
Is that loving? Is that how one human being should meet another? It’s
hideous, that’s what it is!”
“Yes!” she assented sharply and hurriedly.
I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this “Yes.” So the
same thought may have been straying through her mind when she was
staring at me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain
thoughts? “Damn it all, this was interesting, this was a point of
likeness!” I thought, almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it’s easy to
turn a young soul like that!
It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.
She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness
that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinising me.
How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep
breathing.
“Why have you come here?” I asked her, with a note of authority already
in my voice.
“Oh, I don’t know.”
“But how nice it would be to be living in your father’s house! It’s
warm and free; you have a home of your own.”
“But what if it’s worse than this?”
“I must take the right tone,” flashed through my mind. “I may not get
far with sentimentality.” But it was only a momentary thought. I swear
she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody. And
cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling.
“Who denies it!” I hastened to answer. “Anything may happen. I am
convinced that someone has wronged you, and that you are more sinned
against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but it’s
not likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination....”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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