Notes of hospital life from November, 1861, to August, 1863Anonymous
History
Notes of hospital life from November, 1861, to August, 1863
Anonymous
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Hospitals
Weeks passed by, and as Gavin was not sick enough to need care, we
had little to do with him, and that little did not encourage us to go
further. Often a word of greeting, in passing, will call forth something
more, but his cold, forbidding manner, joined to a certain distant
politeness, so repelled me, that I resolved to let him alone; and yet I
felt sorry for him, for I could not fail to notice his unpopularity among
the men. He walked alone, mentally and physically, and seemed to desire
no intercourse with any one.
One morning I found him gloomily seated in a corner of the ward,
apparently unconscious of everything around him.
“What a terribly long face,” said I, trying to rally him; “you will never
get well till you learn to laugh.”
“To laugh!” said he, with intense bitterness; “then I am invalided for
life. Little enough is there on earth to laugh about, I think;” and
rising hastily, he brushed past me, and left the ward.
“I don’t like that Gavin,” I said to M., “there’s something so dark and
hard about him; I can’t make him out.”
“Ah! no story yet? I thought he was to have a romantic story, with his
interesting dark eyes.”
“Story! He never opens his lips to any one; and unless he shall need
something, I have almost determined never to open mine to him again.”
Such was the man whom I have left all this time lying upon the staircase.
Knowing as I did that whatever his faults might be, intemperance was
not one of them, I once more address him; he evidently has not heard me
before, for, starting up hastily, and forgetting his usual politeness, he
exclaims, petulantly, “I thought I could be to myself here, at least.”
“So you can, as far as I am concerned; I merely came up stairs on an
errand, without an idea that you were here; but another time when you
wish to secure perfect privacy, I should scarcely advise you to choose a
staircase.”
“It matters little,” said he, sitting down on the stairs, resting his
elbows on his knees, and burying his face in his hands, “one part of the
world or another; it’s all the same; dark enough to wish to be well out
of it.”
“Gavin,” said I, sitting down on the stair beside him, “do you remember
that you told me how terribly your back ached from carrying your knapsack
and blanket on that long march?”
A dull, uninterested assent.
“What would have been most welcome, when the pain became intolerable?”
“To unload, of course;” his head still buried in his hands.
“At times, in the long march of life, I have borne a heavy, moral
knapsack; and when the pain from its weight became intolerable, no words
can tell the relief of unloading, and sharing the burden with some loving
heart, with whom it was as safe and as sacred as with myself. Your heart,
just now, is aching worse than ever did your back; might it not ease it
to try the experiment?”
He raised his head quickly; fire enough in those eyes then.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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