"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th' fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an' fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th' prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that it can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th' reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol' commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon hill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' same cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if 'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--all they do to him is to break his back. "'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher. "'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th' gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own bean-blower. "'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So was th' gin'ral. "'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night. He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all. He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well. Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin' sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.